The Things We Do For Love

Have you ever felt like giving up on dating? Like you were better off alone? Then, when you were single, all you felt was loneliness? I sure did with almost every single guy I dated. Before I met my husband, that is.

Right before my husband and I got together, I had to take a hard look at my dating life. I kept getting into these “relationships” that only lasted three months. I kept thinking, “What is wrong with me?”

I felt like I always gave it my all, as if I was always the one making compromises. And though these guys were sexually attracted to me, they weren’t interested in anything else. I tried finding someone by going out to parties, bars, and gay events. I used every dating app out there (even some of the smaller, not so well-known apps). Nothing was working. I was just going through guys, one after another.

Then, someone close to me said, “Well, if you are having problems with everyone, then the problem must be you.”

At first, I was shocked and a little pissed off. Then, I had to stop and really think about it. What were the common denominators in every relationship? It was then I realized I needed to take a closer look at myself.

I was very picky. I always dated the same kind of guys. I even had a list of things of physical attributes I would reject guys for.  I thought, “I can’t help what I’m attracted to. How am I supposed to change it up just like that?”

However, in my heart I knew something really had to change, or I would just continue to be unsuccessful. They say, the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results, and that is where I found myself.

As I did with my previous relationships, I threw myself completely into the relationships. This time, they were out of my comfort zone. Suddenly, things started working out for me. My first relationship, after the change, I finally managed to move in with a partner for the first time. I never got even close to doing that with anyone else. Unfortunately, that relationship didn’t work out, but it did last twice as long as any of the previous ones, so I knew I was on the right track.

Then, I met my husband.  A few years prior, I had talked to him on OKCupid, and he had just moved away. We talked for a couple weeks, but things seemed to just fizzle out. I found him again on the same app and he had just moved back. Things were very rough at first. The first two days were amazing, but he dropped a bomb on me I never expected.

He told me he was HIV positive. I had already decided that I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of finding the love of my life. I told him I didn’t care, because it doesn’t change who he is as a person. We had a great rest of the evening. The next day, I received long messages about how he didn’t want to continue. Something told me he was afraid. I had to figure out how to get his attention to get him back.

I spent the next week taking pictures of myself wearing something of his he left at my house and posted it on social media, hoping that he would see it. I was about to give up hope when he messaged me and said he wanted to see me.

We sat down on my lunch break at work, and he explained to me how he was afraid, because other people had treated him so poorly because of his HIV, and how he was afraid it would end the same way. I told him I understood the risks. He wasn’t on any medication. After two weeks, he moved in, and after a month, we were engaged to be married.

I did end up with HIV, and we both ended up on medication, but we have now been together for eleven years. Many would ask me, “Did I ever just think about not being with him?”

Even my mom asked me that question when I finally told her. The answer is NO.

I may have to be on a medication for the remainder of my life and have my blood drawn twice a year to make sure I’m healthy and can’t pass it on to anyone else, but I will never regret my choice, because my husband is the best anyone could ever ask for. Now, I’m not saying to put yourself at risk. In fact, I would say please, always know your status, be safe, and if you prefer raw sex, make sure you are on Prep.

What I am saying is, if things haven’t been working out for you, it’s probably time for a change. If you are afraid, don’t be, because you never know. The best thing to ever happen to you could be one good change away.